Learning to Express Myself — Day 4

I have wondered — at times — why I am so alone. Why I have no friends. Not one. When I say friends I am not talking about Facebook “friends” or social media “followers”. I am talking about friends that know every detail of my life and that I care about every detail of their life. Why have I gone to a place where I don’t want other people to know my real identity? Is it because I am worried that someone would know how broken I am? At what point in my life did I learn to think that I have to always be perfect? That I am a lesser person if I have faults? No blame is going to be passed because I know this is the will of God for my life. It is more about being curious as to the events that led me to a point where I don’t want to let another person into my life. What I mean is that I want to know why I have disguised myself and have hidden my true identity. What is the reason behind this? It is certain no fault of another person. I can pass the blame onto another person only at the expense of myself. If I removed the blinders I would see that there have been plenty of people who have reached out and I am the one who pulled back. Rather than humbling myself and be willing to cross the line, I have put my head back into my shell like a turtle. My hopes are that I will remove barriers that I have put up so that I can start to be peeled like an onion — one layer at a time. This writing journal is that process. Putting my thoughts, concerns, worries, anytime that makes me less of a person, out there for anyone to read from anywhere in the world. That is what I want from this exercise. Being exposed will not make me less of a person, only a better person who is not afraid to let the world see my insecurities. I have no want to make myself out to be a certain person in the eyes of the social media world. I don’t want to show to the world that all is ok in my world. I want to put it on the line and let it be known that I am not ok. The subjective word there is “ok”. The objective word there is “I am”. Who gets to determine if I am “ok”? More times than not it is myself that is playing that role. I am the one who thinks subjectively rather than objectively. More and more I am trying to reverse that role and look at events in my life from an objective view. It is when I start to look at this world I live in from a subjective view that I start to go down that road of being worried about everything.

That is my brain dump for the day.